pay me no mind

when i started this journal, i hoped that it would be relevant, and that the things that can be found in here would be reflections, insights, and musings...in other words, i wished that they at least passed thru my gray matter. unfortunately, today i wasnt in a reflective mood but im in the mood to post. so ill just publish here one of my entries when i was having an internet hiatus.


i have a special connection with Paulo Coelho's books. I do not buy them, because i feel like they are being thrown into my lap at the right moment. its very superstitious and fatalistic of me, yes, but somehow they made more sense when i read them at exactly the moment in which what i was going thru was eerily parallel to the situations of his fictional characters. on top of my head, i remember reading Veronika Decides to Die at the exact moment that i was having a hard time finding reason to wake up in the morning. Yeah. I must have been going insane as well.

During our prolonged semestral break (due to the lack of technology: No TV and computer for me), i managed to get my hands on this book, which is like Paulo Coelho's journal. Its a compilation of articles that some were published internationally and i think some were just entries in his journal. And yeah, fatalistically and superstitiously speaking, this book had a major major effect on me. One sign that i am so into a book is when i whip out a notebook and start taking notes. I never want to forget those beautifully written lines or those messages that felt like epiphanies. And with this book, thats just what i did. I listed down my favorite lines and ideas...Here they are...



1. When something undesirable grows in my soul, I ask God to give the courage mercilessly to pluck it out.

2. An action is thought manifest.

3. Robert Frost: Two roads diverged in the wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

4. You have at your disposal all the means of communication in the world, but nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace looking someone in the eye. (I actually tried this with my adviser, i experimented if she would work on my thesis proposal if i met with her in person...Unfortunately, after three months of submitting my second draft, i still have no feedback from her...)

5. Even when a friend does something you do not like, he continues to be my friend. (Sigh. Sigh Galore. Sigh festival.)

6. An action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure. (Amen. I repeat this mantra everytime i make decisions now. I ask myself, am i just doing this because i am angry?)

7. However brightly a piece of coal may be burning, it will soon burn out if you removeit from the flames. However intelligent a man may be, he will lose his warmth and his flame if he distances himself from his fellow men. (A shot to the heart for someone like me who has a penchant for solitude...)

8. "...she earns enough money and to carry out her task..." this was a description of a woman who works at a bank but on occasions, travels to exotic places to do what she thinks would restore the beauty of this world. ( this reminds me how important it is to have a job and keep it, even if its just for the money that will enable me to do what i like doing, what i think i should be doing instead, and as a way of fulfilling my passions, albeit, indirectly.)

9. I am doing the most important thing a man can do: I'm listening to what i needed to hear from myself. (Sigh.I believe i have already contributed to this cause: promoting reflection by evaluating those messages that come from ourselves. its one of the reasons why i like being alone at times, because i think i have so much to hear from myself... so many thoughts to be discerned, thoughts that i am not sure how others would respond to, or worth sharing, or i dont know...)

10. Often, for the lack of one brick, we completely distort the original plan of our lives. (yeah. we sometimes think, that to be able to accomplish remarkable things, we must be armed with all these different contraptions, that we sometimes fail to just take the plunge and accept uncertainty. Its like not going somewhere because you left your cellphone at home. Its like not working out because you do not own a car that would take you to the gym. Its like not going to school because you believe you do not have adequate skill, when in fact all you need to have is the desire to learn. Imagine if we decided not to go to decent colleges just because our public school education seems to be a far cry from the ones our contemporaries received. We could have missed out on everything. We could have deprived ourselves of the one thing that has the power to change our life completely, our education. When i read this, i decided not to waste my time gathering every single brick that i think i need for my next endeavor and just go with the flow of life...Maybe i'll save on a lot of stress by doing that, but then, maybe not. Who knows...Maybe in a few years time, we will.

been awhile. ever since i got home from pampanga and found a crack as big as the marikina fault line near the hinge of my laptop, i havent been able to stay here and write. its kinda cute and quaint that ive been writing (once again) in my journal notebook, but it really feels different here, when there is a possibility of somebody reading it. i have a few lazy afternoons at work every week, so i guess i'll just use that time to keep on posting.

it stills feels very hot here in pampanga, even if the dusk is already setting, which explains the near-death experience of the grass in our "quidditch" field. this in turn, causes tita to freak out and water them from 4pm to 9pm, according to j and l. which, we think is a bit too much. with all the money they got, maybe they should have the sense to use it to buy sprinklers, so they wont end up with fevers or something from staying outside too much to water the grass. besides, its already a lifetime investment.

it may perhaps due to the heat and me feeling under the weather because of it, but ive been stressing about work and how my boss is so failing in her responsibilities. were about to have our faculty meeting for this week tomorrow, and it reminded me of our agenda last week, and that reminded me that for all the concerns that we mentioned, she was able to accomplish only one of the tasks. its frustrating, its annoying, its such a dealbreaker to not get enough support. we are frustrated for them because we know how much they have invested in this school (clue: the land alone is worth 20M) and yet...they are not taking good care of that investment. we need them to be more supportive of the faculty and staff, to have a more hands-on approach in supervising the operations, and to have a system (or try to have one) that they will adhere to. sigh. i should stop worrying about work and just express to them these concerns. after doing that, the ball's already in their park.

hay.hay.hay.

6 Lessons From Failure - Embrace your mistakes

Posted using ShareThis

just wanted to repost this article, cos it kept on playing over and over in my head..

Three by Conrado de Quiros
From Conrado de Quiros' Column: There's the Rub
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 04:35:00 09/30/2009

One, after Fernando Poe, Jr. died on Dec. 14, 2004, they did an inventory of his things. In one bodega, they found cartons of relief goods that were meant to be delivered to Infanta, Quezon. Infanta had been buried in mudslides a couple of weeks before his death and, along with many others, FPJ had bestirred himself to help.

With one difference: While all the other relief-givers were busy putting their names on their donations—or as in the case of many public officials, putting their names on other people’s donations—FPJ was not. His people would swear later he would not hear of it. He gave strict orders for the relief goods to be unmarked and just sent where needed. It altered my view of the man completely and made me vow to make amends to his family for some of the things I had said about him.

That is class. Which makes me furious today about the politicians who want to exploit the misfortune of others for their ends. Or indeed their continuing travail, many of them having lost everything in one of the worst disasters ever to hit this metropolis. It’s a sentiment I know is shared by many, even those who were not directly ravaged by the floods, as I’ve seen in news reports and blogs.

Heading the pack is Willie Revillame who was busy announcing that “kami nga ni Senator Villar” have been tireless in delivering relief goods to the needy. You’d think the guy would have learned a thing or two from being crucified after he vituperated about Cory’s coffin being shown on his show, consequently disrupting his and his audience’s fun. Clearly his chastisement hasn’t chastened him enough. Or he’s just fundamentally tasteless he cannot see that the last thing the victims want is to be treated like contestants, or supplicants, of “Wowowee” waiting upon his generosity.

Thankfully the tack is likely to backfire. People are in a foul mood and are not likely to remember Revillame—or his principal—with fondness come election time.

The last thing we need is to see politics mix with relief. “When you want to shoot, shoot,” as Eli Wallach said in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” finishing off the guy who was threatening him with all sorts of mayhem. Same principle here: When you want to give, give, don’t advertise. All you’ll get back is mayhem in the minds of the beneficiaries.

Two, on Tuesday government’s disaster council gave a briefing. They were three days late. The time to have done that was Saturday at the height of the rains. The time to have appeared in public to calm down a metropolis in the grip of panic was last Saturday. The time to have gone to the aid of people who had every reason to panic (some of them were huddling on the roofs of their houses, along with their children and their aged, pounded by unceasing rain) was last Saturday. The time to have unleashed the full resources of government, which should have been there because government has—or should have—billions of pesos in calamity and emergency funds, was last Saturday.

In fact the monumental thing that happened last Saturday was the complete absence of government. The only government there was were the media, notably ABS-CBN and GMA-7. You can forgive both for advertising their wares, or relief efforts, under the extenuating circumstances. They were the government. They were the central authority apprising the public of the situation. They were the central authority coming to the aid of the victims. They were the central authority running the country.

The Internet is full of reports that the emergency fund is depleted, having gone to fund Arroyo and company’s not-very-emergency trips abroad. I’ll leave that for when it’s confirmed. But the breakdown of government is staggering. Arroyo should thank God, or whatever entity she worships, we have elections—the same elections she tried to monkey with earlier with Charter change. Without that she would probably not last this week, given an incensed citizenry, given an aroused citizenry, given a citizenry that will no longer brook abuse. This is as angry as I’ve seen residents of Metro Manila in a long time.

Three, indeed to this hour, what government we have is courtesy of the private sector where voluntarism has sprung like wildflowers. That is the bright spot in all this, the light amid the darkness, the blazing sun after the storm. Truly the Filipino rises to his finest self during trying times, the more trying the times, the finer the rising. Or it is in times of disaster that the Filipino ceases to be a disaster, thinking of others first before self.

It’s especially heartening to see the kids go en masse on relief mode. Many of the kids in my neighborhood have done so, teeners who normally while away the holidays playing basketball, flipping rollerblades, and drinking beer in the stores. They’ve enrolled themselves to help without thought of pay, without thought of recompense, without thought of reward. Just the thought of doing something nice for a change, just the thought of doing something to make things better.

It rekindles memories of the July-August floods of 1972, when students also went in droves to places in Greater Manila no longer traversable by land, or indeed outside the metropolis where they were greeted by a greater ravaging. But then there was activism to fuel, or goad, or flagellate the youth to idealism. Well, there was also the prospect of meeting a cool chick or a cool cat while on your best form. Today, there’s just spontaneous goodwill to do the trick. And the prospect of meeting a cool chick or a cool cat while on your best form. The kids come home happy, comparing the welts and bruises on their arms from lifting crates while drinking beer in the stores.

Makes you wonder what on earth you need government for.

So many things have been going on, and yet so little of them goes on for me. There are various aspects of my life, yes, and yet now I realize how little progress I make in each of them. Sigh. This post is dedicated to my rants, I’m sorry about the negativity, but I just need to vent.


1. The thesis
I have received no word from my adviser since she texted me last September 8 that she has received my second draft of my proposal. There are about 15 days left of the first semester and I have absolutely no idea of the smallest possibility that I can do my outline presentation before it ends. One big sigh. I remain hopeful about this, thinking that I have to hang on to my dreams , ‘coz they’re all I got…that I may have better fortune in the thesis department next semester, that there may be other ways of getting my masters degree (like not getting it from UP), however, there comes a time when things just aren’t going my way. This is one of them. And it sucks so bad. It sucks that its all beyond my control.


2. The co-worker
I have two workmates. One of them is a friend from college, one is a new friend hired by the school. Since June, I have been enduring college friend’s excruciatingly incessant whining and complaining. I have been having a hard time putting a lid on my temper when I’m around him, so I do my best to keep busy. I am having a struggle within myself when I think about how I should be the bigger person, and have a better response despite my annoyance, but sometimes I just fail to bite my tongue. For example, I finished my session at around 6pm yesterday so I decided to stay for the night and leave for Manila in the morning. When he saw me lounging around, he said, Ah, you’re not going home? I said, yeah, its already late. You know what he replied? He said, “Arte”. I was raged! I was not able to hold it so I asked him if worrying about my safety was a manifestation of me being maarte. He looked dumbfounded. I stood up and started fixing my things making an appearance as if I was going to leave. I was so upset but I really did not want to leave. He said, “I am not making you leave.” Arrrrrrgggghhh. I so hate it when he makes inappropriate comments to me. I wish he acquired just an iota of consideration or understanding in his system. The bitch in me says, in your dreams, kid.


3. the storms
After Typhoon Ondoy left the Philippines devastated, here comes another typhoon a-brewing. Even though I have not experienced the brunt of Ondoy’s wrath, on some of my sleepless nights I worry about other Filipinos who might not be enjoying the same warm and dry sheets. It does not help if -people respond panic-stricken to panic-inducing text messages going around telling everyone that Pepeng is gonna be worse that Hurricane Katrina. It drains the yet to be revived energy level Ondoy took from us, which we may need to remain steadfast in the face of this new typhoon. Its still best to remain prepared and pray. Mother nature, please let Pepeng be the last to hit my country. Please.


4. the personal issues
Its probably hormones, or something. But lately, I have been having trouble sleeping and it manifests in my face through ugly pimples and blemishes. Damnnnnn!!!! It sounds minor but its really not helping. You know when you are upset about something and everything seems to go awry because you just notice the things that are in the same valence? This is probably one of this. Maybe I’ll look the part when things start looking up for me.

at this point i just find it so appropriate for sand to be used as a material in measuring time. ive been feeling like time is slipping away from me as fast as it could, and no matter how much i try to preserve it, to hold it in my hand and cajole it to stay, it is intransigent in its refusal.

*
i am about to enter the third week since i last submitted my second draft to my adviser, and obviously, the waiting time is not sitting well with me. day after day after day i check my cellphone, waiting for her text to come see her or come to the college and pick up my second draft. it is almost the fourth week of September and the first semester is about to end very soon, in just 3-4 weeks, and in my adjusted to the pace of reality time line, i should have done my outline presentation at the end of the first semester. at the rate im going, im really not sure where i am in my attempt to meet that goal. sigh. sighhhhh. sigh. i am starting to have a hard time keeping my laissez faire attitude about it and keeping my cool and thinking that maybe this is for the best. everyone knows i have invested a lot in this, some even thinks that i was being too foolish in quitting my first job just for this, but for me, i still believe i did the right thing. im keeping the faith, even if its being crushed into pieces by all the temptations and other extraneous factors. sigh. i just wish i get feedback real soon.

(a review of raya martin's independencia)


its normal for me to have nationalistic thoughts. ever since college, ive always considered myself as a frustrated social activist. but i havent been having those kind of thoughts recently, until i watched the recent raya matin movie, independencia.

on face value, indepencia is just a narrative of one family's life during the American Occupation. the film started when they heard gunshots which heralded the arrival of the soldiers. a mother and son fled into the forest, where they tried to eke out a living from the forest's nurturing breasts. everything was going a little too normal until the son rescues a rape victim, which predictably became his wife, and mother of his son. the (grand)mother died of sickness which included cough as one of its symptoms.

*
the black and white movie was meant to be an art film, meaning, it tried to capture a slice of reality and put the spotlight on that, a work that usually ends up teasing the viewers' thoughts. personally, it was the title that made me think about the ultimate message of the film, independencia. in my interpretation, the film was about our insatiable hunger and pursuit of freedom (or a semblance of it), that, according to k, they ended up caging themselves further.

see, mother and son fled to the forest to be free from the americans, but they were still captives, at the mercy of their fear and of the limitations of their surroundings. aside from the stiff drink, they ran out of medicine, and chose not to light a fire in case the Americans might find them. one way of looking at it is this: they are not free.

the theme of escape was so salient in the movie that it was portrayed in so many ways: the telling of granfather's feats in the past, the dreaming of unpleasant dream by the wife, and finally the demise of their child as he jumped off a cliff in an attempt to escape the american soldiers. sadly, almost all of the escape attempts ended up in an untoward incident. and i think, a little bit of our history would be on the same lines as that. but then, if you hunger and live for freedom, even a semblance of it is like an addictive drug that you cannot refuse.

further contemplation about my recent birthday and my current emotional climate yields very interesting observations. i observe that events are getting much more languid, which makes me think if I am getting mellow-er. you see, i've always been the kind that prefers action over timidity, the extraordinary over the familiar, the fast instead of the slow. however, due to recent (and not-so-recent events), i realize a change in perspective. for example, on my birthday dinner, a friend was telling us about how we should join her in one of her dives so we could meet some uber rich people (she dropped some names but i refuse to mention them here) who talked about purchasing helicopters. i listened carefully, as she regaled us with those fantastic stories about wealthy people, and yet i felt like hearing stories about them are just as interesting as stories that happened on a day to day basis on an ordinary person's life. i dont know exactly which of my cognition led me to this conclusion, but i remember thinking that being exposed to people rich enough to buy helicopters simply makes a good story over dinner, but knowing that those people exist does not leave me awestruck any more. in fact, i'd probably feel a whole lot more interested if i learned about stories about people i see at church: why they came alone, why they even bothered to come on a weekday, why even come when there are a million things in this world waiting for them. i am not sure if wealth interests me less and church interests me more, or im just appreciating the idea that we are all made equal. i dont know.

like i mentioned before, we celebrated my birthday in such a relaxing manner, that me and j were both awed how it is possible to celebrate in such a fashion. it was such a stark contrast of how celebrations usually are: rambunctious, boisterous, and filled with merry-making. but then again, we were truly happy and grateful that we were able to get together (to make one feel special), and we certainly achieved our goals. in fact, the simplicity of the event demonstrated sincerity in its purest sense. then i muse, which one do i really prefer?

my fascination and current academic pursuit of understanding emotions led me to reading the meaning of valence in emotions. literature would say that they have two: positive and negative. positive emotions can range from ecstatic to contented. that part absolutely stopped me from reading and made me stop and think about the things that i crave for in life. anyone who bothered to ask me before regarding my preference would have received a sure answer: i prefer to feel ecstatic over and over again for me to say that i have lived my life to the fullest. now, however, i am appreciating the other end, which is contentment. i realize that when i am contented, I am living my life, just as well.

prior to this event, i have been having ambivalent feelings about friends. now that i have been spending quite a lot of time with some of my college friends, i was realizing how their facades can be misleading and how different it is from their true personality and temperament. i was (crazily) stressing about that and it has been seriously bringing me down for the past few days. for the first time in many many years, i wanted to spend time away from them. i wanted to feel the "miss" factor. which, can be silly in my case because i dont really have that much of a family to run to when im not with my friends. therefore, i was going to be alone if i do not spend time with them. its a sad life for a crazy girl.

then, came my birthday. the very same friends who have been with me since college and the same ones whom ive been having ambivalent feelings with really made an effort to put the happy in my birthday. i was touched when j brightened up when he made me laugh for the first time in the day and pointed out that i was already having a happy birthday. m asked her kid cousins to be the entourage when she gave me my halayang ube cake. r was seriously worried why i traveled on my birthday instead of being with friends. it was loads of fun, in a mellow sort of way.

i was finally able to have a real celebration when friday night came and ia treated the three of us to a facial. wow, that was a really nice treat, we all felt beautiful and detoxified while we were having dinner. before we went to the restaurant, we went bread shopping in dezaato pan, one of our favorite japanese pastries and went gaga over the 30 per cent off breads that were glorious. the store was so pretty that we took pictures of us bread shopping. then we had a fantastic japanese dinner at tempura which made us all feel super duper full!!!
sigh, according to j, that was the most buoyant, relaxing birthday celebration ever...i just have to agree. it was very very mellow, but i cannot say that it was a lesser celebration. in fact, r's wish for me already came true: it was very meaningful indeed. on my 24th birthday, i realized: i get by with a little help from my friends :)

i attended the teatrong mulat rehearsals this morning. i was so very happy to see new members of my puppetry oriented org and watch them rehearse. in a few weeks time, they'll be performing their first show and hopefully enjoying being a member as much as i and my friends did. however, more important than the addition of new babies that would keep the group afloat, i once again realized how pleasurable it is to watch things grow. to be the "older one". i was smiling to myself as i looked into their faces that accurately shows their age based on their breakouts. even the nuances of their humor seemed different from ours, which i enjoyed immensely, as we had the same brand of humor when we were newbies many years ago... i loved watching them play with the puppets, reacting positively stressed (if theres such a thing) by the pace of the show, and laughing at very insignificant things that there were split seconds that i thought i was with kids. i loved how they were so childlike, and realized that it is a quality that is common among mulat puppeteers, that we are still children disguised as adults and finding a socially accepted avenue in expressing this quality, which is puppetry. thus, there is a certain part of me that responds very well to them, sort like one would to a soulmate. i realize now how older people seem to be happy and content at where they are in life, even if they are older, and incessantly teased by age-ists like myself. its because you realize your part in guiding the next generation to be the best that they can be. and watching them succeed in achieving things beyond your expectations.

Ano ba ang nais sabihin ng operational definition? Ano ang pinagkaiba nito sa pangkaraniwang depinisyon lamang? Ang operational definition ay karaniwan kong nakikita sa ikalawang bahagi ng mga akda tulad ng thesis. Dito ay inilalahad kung ano ang gagamiting depinisyon para sa particular na akdang iyon dahil maaari na ang isang bagay ay maraming depinisyon. Halimbawa, ang salitang pagmamahal. Maraming kahulugan ang salitang pagmamahal sa mundo. Pero kung ang sinabing kahulugan sa operational definition ay ganito: “Ang ibig sabihin ng pagmamahal ay niyayakap mo ang isang tao.”; lahat ng taong hindi mo niyayakap ay hindi mo mahal. Kumbaga, nililimitahan mo ang kahulugan ng isang bagay para mas madali itong maintindihan at para malinaw sa lahat.

Sa palagay ko kasi, may kanya-kanya tayong operational definition ng mga bagay-bagay sa mundo. May mga tao na ang kahulugan ng kaligayahan ay mahanap ang isang taong makakapiling nila sa buong buhay nila. May iba naman na ang pagsisilbi sa kapwa ang rurok ng kaligayahan. Marami akong kilala na shopping o kaya paglalakbay ang kabuluhan ng kaligayahan. Ang pinakabagong aral na natutunan ko bilang isang mag-aaral ng buhay ay hindi dapat iangkla sa isang bagay ang iyong kaligayahan. May kasabihan sa ingles, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Sa nakalipas na dalawang taon, gumawa ako ng malalaking desisyon kung saan iisang bagay ang pinagbasehan ko, at yun ay para matapos ang aking akda. Dumating na din ako sa puntong, kahit hindi ko ito matapos, ay wala namang problema, dahil nasiyahan naman ako ng lubusan habang ginagawa ko ito. Gusto ko talaga ang ideyang ako ay isang researcher. Subalit ngayong dumadating ako sa puntong nabibinbin sa dami ng gawain ng adviser ko ang pagwawasto ng isinumite ko sa kanya, nakakaramdam ako ng pagkasiphayo sa pag-aantay. Madalas akong nalulungkot at para bang nakakaramdam ng pagkawala ng interes sa ibang mga bagay. At dahil napakaraming bagay sa buhay ko ang uminog sa thesis, minsan pakiramdam ko kahit ako ay nawawalan na ng kabuluhan habang ito ay wala at inaantay kong mawasto. At dahil sa tila kabaliwang reaksyon, napagtanto kong mali ito. Sa susunod, hindi ko na ibubuhos ang lahat ng meron ako sa isang bagay. Kumbaga sa harry potter, hinati ni Voldermort ang kanyang kaluluwa sa pitong horcrux para mas hindi siya medaling patayin. Parang ganun din ata sakin, dapat yata hatiin ko sa pito, o higit pa, kung gusto kong manatiling buhay.

* na una kong naisip sa meditation noong Biyernes.

Dear God,

Today was a day of earthshaking emotional turmoil. Things weren’t looking good for my “strange and lonely trek” aka my thesis. It was because I was having a difficult time looking for a way to send the 150 euros to Dr.P, the European researcher, whose instrument i wanted to use. I was frantic, desperate and starting to be down in the dumps. Ugly thoughts of failing or never finishing my work were looming in my brain. I was trying, in vain, to CHOOSE to think positively, to understand that things will work out just fine. But with much difficulty. I was sad.

I tried a lot of other things. I attacked my other tasks like a maniac, finishing cerebral work way before 9am and the manual work before half past ten. I watched my Sunday shows which never failed to give me guilty pleasure. I waited. In an agitated state. I listened to music. And yes, i prayed.

Necessity is the mother of invention. And so while i was waiting and supposedly resting i was subconsciously racking my brains for other ideas, other ways to get hold of that instrument. i was exploring my cellphone when i found an email address of another professor form George Mason University. I totally adore her and probably read her articles dating from 1986 the earliest and 2005 the latest, but i totally forgot that i saved her email address due to all of my excitement about Dr.P. So i emailed her, she replied (on a Sunday) and gave it to me for free. Just like that! WOW! Whooooopeeee!!!

While i was checking my email, i received a message from my old student in Facebook. he was inviting me to be in his friends list and misses me (he thinks). Then, another invite from a previous parent, who was my email buddy. Hmmm. I haven't felt appreciation from clients for a while already.

So there God, those are the things that you blessed me with today. This post is to share to those gorgeous people stuff who happen to read this blog the following things i learned today:

1. Never doubt Your wisdom. You have much, much better plans for me compared to what i have for myself. Like Elijah, in the gospel today, sometimes, its best to say "That's it! I'll leave it all to You!"

2. Never worry. I know now that its a sign of weakening faith if im starting to worry (again!). I worry because i worry that things will not work out fine. I am always wrong in this. Store up on faith.

3. If you want it so bad, it shall be yours. So world, get ready for me!

Thank you, God. It's been a two thumbs up kind of day.

my yahoo shoutout was: i feel so happy, grateful and blessed for this new progress. its because i was on the verge of giving up on thesis writing because i couldnt find an assessment instrument and i did not believe that i could make one. then, out of the blue, one of the foreign authors i emailed responded that i google the email address of the other author as he was the one who created the tool. i was giddy, but realistic. i was not sure he would even reply to my request. but he did. and he said that due to the popularity of the tool among researchers like me, he has to ask me 150 euros for the copying and shipping of the tool. he said he was sorry that he couldnt give it to me for free. gosh. i really felt the angels singing in my ear. at this point of getting my proposal ready, i am in the stage wherein i think that if only i can find an instrument, i can already be almost sure that i can do this, that i can finish. i was so happy, the amount was inconsequential. when you do something that you are passionate about, every small step feels like you have already reached the stars, kissed them, and went back home safely. sigh. sigh. sigh. right now i am waiting for his reply regarding the most convenient way for him to receive the euros. i worry. lol. its so me to panic that he's not replying right away. i want to send the money right now. but then, as andy warhol said: the idea of waiting for something makes it more interesting. and damn am i interested.

sigh.i feel so giddy. fulfilling 2/3 of Immanuel Kant's recipe for happiness aint so bad:

something to do,
someone to love,
something to hope for.

:) i hope today everyone feels the same way too!!

my friend, who is 12 years older than i am, has a habit of thinking aloud and comparing how it was like when there were no cellphones, and how he and all of his college friends relied on their org's logbook whenever theres a gimik, nightout, or out of town. he said that he missed those days when everybody said yes in the logbook and then you could expect those people to turn up on the scheduled meeting. it was all good. and those were happy days. his revelry was coming from his sentiments how every time our group would plan to go out, there will be a lot of people committing but no one else aside from our group of four shows up. it was pretty frustrating how everyone seemed to cancel on the last minute or how people can be confident to be always late because they can always text the people waiting to meet them. hayy. he blames the advent of texting as the source of this very annoying behavior.

last week, i felt like i was a victim of this texting disease. not one, but two of my friends texted me about an interest to go have dinner/drink coffee/watch a movie with me and it seemed that our conversation was going so well and all we needed was to set the time and the place to meet.so what i did was i waited. i waited in anticipation that later in the day, someone will text me that ok, lets meet at _________. or, sorry, we cant meet. i was asking for something as simple as that. however, it didnt happen which fueled my frustration because i decided to wait for them instead of occupying my mind about something else. it sucks when you are the "less" busy one.cos they think its allright to set a schedule with you and its allright to cancel but i dont believe in that. i think my time needs to be respected just like any other "busy" person. suddenly, i wanted to go back into the time when people still meant what they said, even for the simple things, because they dont have the technology to take it back.

another issue i have about technology is the proliferation of fraudulent behavior online. i know that it is qualified as a major stupidity to victimized by these scammers but some people just have their reasons. im ranting because someone very dear to me is falling for some guy whom i think is just playing with her emotions just so he can do something really bad to her. i so want to do something about it, but shes so far away that all i can do is rely on technology to warn her, to try to change her mind. oh my God, this situation is driving me crazy.

which makes me wonder if technology do have effects on first, how people keep their word; and second, how people make commitments. do people nowadays mean less of what they say because they can always text and change the plans? have people become commitment-crazy because its so hard to find real connections even to people whom you call your friends? are there more people who "use" others for their own purposes as an influence of our materialistic and pragmatic society?
are people really supposed to be used? are we supposed to find love online?

nakakaloka diba. syet.

despite my inability to read anything today, i can say that it was such a good day because of two reasons:


1. i watched a sunday night movie, mona lisa smile, and i never expected that i would like it so much. some of the narrations/realizations at the end struck me so much. i even made it the title of this post. the main character (julia roberts) was described as "an endless wanderer, but not all wanderers are aimless.." i loved that part. during those times of my life that i would reflect about the main thing that i would love to do with my life, there is always one answer, and that is: adventure. i have a serious case of wanderlust. i described it as the experience of being a foreigner in a foreign land.and to do that over and again. something that i HAVE to do before i uhmm..settle down...as people would say. i long to be carried by the waves and carve out a new life over and over again in different places. i dream about the places that i will go, the cultures i will immerse in, the people i will meet, the stories they would tell me, and the stories i would tell after...its a grandiose dream. yet, beautiful and radical in its simplicity, i think. sometimes though, i wonder, if i have been watching too much television and thus wanting things that i see in there and thus never being satisfied with what i have. sometimes i think im too flighty. and that word has a very bad connotation. at times, i long for a hometown, where the waitress at the diner would know whats my usual.sometimes i think im crazy for wanting to throw things away like my career and my solid friendships in exchange for this dream. but then, there are also those times when i feel so jaded, and realize that i am not doing the thing that i feel most passionate about. sigh. even just the idea of wanderlusting makes my heart beat faster and leaves a smile on my face, just like now. i guess it figures.

2. my confusion about all those ideas in #1 is tempered by my faith. which is the second reason why i realized that it is a good day today. the priest talked about how God has his own design for us, and how sometimes bad news lead to good things because of that. a few weeks back a student asked me the meaning of lust, and i explained it as something that you want so bad, that you are blinded by your wanting and deaf as to whether it resounds wrong or right. i talked about the time that i lusted for a cellphone on my first year in college and how badly i wanted it. it is not wrong to want things, but it is wrong to want them so bad. it is the excessive amount of desire that is wrong. you see, i want to BE in all those places so so so much, which also causes fear that i may never be able to accomplish that in my life. yet, i have faith in God's design. even if i die tomorrow, i still know that i was designed to be an adventurer, as ive been to places other people may never know or hear of. if my dreams come true and i become the ultimate adventurer, i would be overjoyed. if i end up finding my "hometown" and get first name basis with the diner waitress, that would be great too. what matters to me now is i have faith.so theres no need to worry.

we were invited to watch a south african storyteller tonight. it was an ordeal going to CCP as it rained very very hard on the exact moment that we were supposed to leave and this event resulted to a very bad traffic that we endured the first 30 minutes of our ride just reaching the scout area from teachers village. hayy. we were listening to the radio to find out if the manila area was flooded and supposed to give up but then Lola Amel was insistent, and i was glad she was, for we couldve missed the event. before the show started, we already noticed the numerous seats marked for VIPs but it wasnt until the few minutes that the show was about to start that we realized that it was such an aristocratic event. there was quite a bunch of rich,cultured foreigners were there and they were doing what they do best: socializing. so what was there to do in life but to enjoy the night and people watch, or rather, aristocrat watch??? so after we got our shares of the MOST WONDERFUL DINNER MENU EVER which consistent of small food with cheeses i only watch in chef shows and scrumptious desserts (oh the layered thingie with passion fruit brought my tastebuds to heaven!!!) we just watched the ambassadors and their sons and daughters and had fun leaving our shyness at home and shamelessly asked for pictures. he he. but despite the beautiful storytelling experience, which was by the way not as simple as you may think cos even the performance lasted for only one hour she was able to share the rich culture, the invitation of the people from vancouver for her to leave "that apartheid place", nelson mandela's freedom; it just reflected how colorful and talented artist and person that she was, and that shes just one speck in the whole of south africa. she started with a dance, several poems, even one from pablo neruda, told stories, asked us to sing action songs, enthralled and regaled the audience by the mere swaying of her hips to the hooting of african whistles. wow. she was just so great. we gave her a standing ovation, by the way. i dont know what kind of person i am, because despite all of that, i still think that the dinner was the best part of the night. the salmon, the apple crumbled thing, the pesto penne, the sambas, the layered sweet thats my favorite, ahhhhhh. we also tasted their traditional wine, the almajora or something that sounds like that. it was like baileys, milk and wine, only there was more wine than milk. yum.... i wonder where can i have more dinners like that...

i totally revere those people who do research. i mean, really. theyre such geniuses. sigh. me, im averaging four journal articles per day and thats frickin slow!!! im getting alarmed at my snail-like pace and do everything in my power to speed things up (like studying in the mall, for one) and still, i have yet to read mountains and mountains of stuff just to be sure i have read and "reviewed" the literature. i wasnt complaining, in fact, i was reveling in the experience. i liked it and the best part is i want to see myself getting old just doing research and a bit of teaching on the side, but here comes the F word. out of nowhere, fever just rears its ugly head and oh its causing me a lot of trouble. more than the setbacks that it is doing to my precious schedule, its giving me great alarm cos of the pandemic called AH1N1. Just yesterday i was just sitting in front of the TV and suddenly i felt THE MOST PAINFUL BACKACHE IN HISTORY and i was about to go crazy with panic and thoughts of death and other crazily morbid stuff so i decided to lie down. Very slowly, the pain went away and i realized maybe it was just because i didnt have the proper posture while i was sitting down. And i thought i was emergency room material. As i type, i feel this weirdness in my chest cos of the phlegm inside and every now and then have difficulty breathing. fine. theres a small voice inside of me saying "YOu're terminal!!!" Yikes. i tell it to shut up. Good. Im not very polite when it comes to those small voices. A girls gotta be firm to those creeps no matter how small they are or where they come from. Sigh.. I wish i get back to being healthy soon.

*Sometimes i blame my current sickness to the professional journals im reading. Cognitive fatigue!! And i say: Guys...be kind to pseudointellectuals naman...

just last month, me and my college buddies were stranded in a very secluded beach somewhere in quezon. after being stranded for a day, we spent the night doing our usual stuff that we do during an outing: chatting and making a bonfire and computing our expenses so we could split it equally. but that night, we added something else because of our stranded-ness. we prayed. we read the bible, and my friends chose to read the part about Jesus calming the storm. I am still alive and blogging now so I guess thats enough reason to have a special connection to that particular Bible story.

Father Arnold read the same gospel at church today. And shared his own huge waves+tiny boat story. my numerous exposure to thrashing waves made the vicarious sharing feel so real. Sigh. I cannot count the number of times that i traveled on stormy seas. And yet, my bravest reaction was nothing compared to how Jesus reacted to the winds and waves. He commanded them to calm down!! The same way i would to an unruly child. Unlike a child though, the winds and the waves acquiesced. I can just imagine his friends' surprise when it dawned on them how even the elements followed him! A-mazing.

The message today was: we should just have faith and trust God. We should never question his wisdom, instead, our hearts should be at rest in the idea that he has his own plans for us. It may not be aligned with our own, but definitely its for the best. Yihiyyy!!!

okay. so theres a guy whom i like. had to heave sighs for this cos its been awhile since i actually liked someone like this. the kind of like like that feels like you wanna sort of end up with him and theres hope that it might be possible cos you have met and talked to each other in person. i think i was still in college when i experienced something like this, cos after that even if we liked the cutesy-patootsey kind of guys, i was never really hopeful cos i had zero chance of having a conversation with them. its so funny that he is included in my thesis meeting with my thesis buddy and creating a chance to interact with him was actually something that we spent time brainstorming on. sighhhhhh. sighhhh. the problem now is, there has been no progress and i have absolutely no idea if there will be. gossshhhhhh. whats funny is that after much scheming and planning with my thesis friend cum love guru, here comes our favorite book saying: As a woman, you dont need to strive or arrange; you dont need to make it happen. You only need to respond. Hala!!!! Maria Clara ito!!! Kamusta naman yun!!! So, i think bahala na....

i havent really told everyone that i am already working in Pampanga.

so there, thats the new deal. i am teaching in Pampanga every Tues-Thursday. The rest of the week i dedicate to my thesis and stayin in QC. So far, the going has been good. We had our first case conference last Thursday and it was very pleasant, and i was able to say that it made my day. The dad, upon knowing that were not Kapampangan, sensed: "Hospitality Alert!!" and said that hes going to be the one to tour us in their province :) He then looked at James and told him that he's going to bring him to Pampanga's red light district! (I whooped on the inside: go sir!!) It was sooo funnily awkward but it really made my day. They havent even experienced us teaching their kids and yet there they were, opening their doors and offering their services to us. I felt so welcome and warm on the inside. Sigh. Even now that memory leaves a smile on my face.

on the college front, i am glad that finally i will be able to see some progress in there after i present my topic tomorrow. Yes!! its tomorrow and what on earth am i doing blogging now!! Task Avoidance Minel!!! Tsk Tsk. I think i am prepared but i never really believe that all the time so for sure the moment i wake up few hours from now im going to have to cram. Harrr.. But its been fun reading again and hitting targeted schedules...Sigh...i really, badly want to finish this...